In an Acceptable Time

Musings on the timing of life

But as for me, my prayer is unto thee, O Lord, in an acceptable time: O God, in the multitude of thy mercy hear me, in the truth of thy salvation.

~ Psalm 68: 13, KJV

When my husband Nick and I first met, back in 2007, we were both in our early twenties. We dated for a few months before going our separate ways, though we kept in touch over the years.

When we began dating again in the autumn of 2018, we were both thirty-six. I wrote this poem at the time:

Out of Season

The whole world 
Is preparing for sleep.
The leaves have had their 
Show, and now are ready
To be swept up and 
Thrown away before 
The frost scratches 
His knife-edge across the 
Barren fields and trees. 
Winter is practically here,
Soon snow and too many 
Christmas songs (and 
Not the right ones) will
Be blaring from every 
Shop and store.
And here am I, feeling 
Out of season in so many ways.
Feeling young and foolish 
And full of spring,
With eager heart and 
Impatient lips,
I feel as though my
Whole soul
Is full of blossoms. 

When we married in 2021, we were bringing our years of experience, knowledge and passions together, being newlyweds in our late thirties. In the nearly four years we’ve been married, we’ve gone through a lot of wonderful and difficult things.

A picture from our wedding day, September 2021

One of these happened two years ago, when due to health issues, I ended up having a hysterectomy. There were many small and gentle experiences, in the years preceding this, that, when I look back, I realize were from God. Little nudges or hints that I might not be able to bear children.

Nick and I are at peace about this, and yet, it can be extremely painful and sad for us both still. This past Mothers Day happened to be a difficult one for me, probably because of the increase of pictures of mothers with their children, and stories about women’s lives and bodies and the changes they go through as mothers.

Like my poem earlier, I feel again that I am in the wrong season. Siblings and friends of ours in their early forties have teenage and growing children, not babies. Yet when longings come for having a child, I can’t expect it to be a rational thing.

I did have the opportunity to look after two of my nieces, when I lived with my brother and his family for four years. Right after moving in with them, my sister-in-law had a baby girl and I spent so much time with her from the time she was born, that I feel that I was gifted with a taste of motherhood.

With my nieces, August 2015.

Just a few days ago, and almost exactly two years after my surgery, Nick had to go in for a surgery too. I have felt so grateful for the healthcare we have in New York, and for the chance to look after him and help him heal, as he did for me.

A few of my siblings sent flowers to Nick when he was in hospital.

Throughout the time that we’ve been married, we’ve moved a few times, been able to travel with family and on our own, and have been richly blessed. It feels sometimes as though our timing is off - we didn’t marry in our twenties, buy a house, have children, etc. Our lives led us in different directions during those years. Yet now that we are together, we realize that we are on time, that the Lord blesses us and he does indeed hear us in mercy in our acceptable time.